Ten Boring Things to Write About
Topics to put everyone to sleep
Cars
My father used to buy What Car? magazine in the 1990s. It was about the same time as I suffered from chronic insomnia.
One of the best cures was creeping downstairs in the night and flicking through a few pages of my dad’s magazine.
I was asleep in seconds.
Trains
Trains and public transport are not hot topics. Whenever people see the words Public Transport they see the word SOCIALISM stare back at them.
Public Transport is for COMMUNISTS who don’t support freedom. And don’t want to drive around in giant Hummers destroying what fragile ecosystems we have left.
Public transport is for left-wing renegades who take drugs and don’t go to work. And can’t even drive because they are so high.
Drugs
Getting high is old-fashioned. These days modern drugs don’t get you high, they just get you completely wasted. Wrap you up in an opioid blanket for twenty years in the name of modern medicine.
In the old days, we took drugs and wandered around in the fields of Avalon in Somerset. Wandering around in our flowery shirts and velvet jackets, thinking we were the reincarnation of The Doors.
These days, my 16-year-old nephew sits at home playing PlayStation for 70 hours a day, whacked out on his mother’s sleeping pills.
Pets
Animals are best left out of Medium. I wrote a piece yesterday about Dormice. No one read it.
True, the rodents weren’t strictly pets; it was an infestation. But I skilfully managed to steer the story towards a happy ending.
Did people care? No. I should have written about trains.
Gaming
Apparently, gaming is one of the top Medium topics with over 200k articles written on it.
Last Christmas, I was invited into my nephew’s opioid den (his bedroom), and we played Mario Kart for half an hour before my brain shut down.
“Are you OK, Uncle Phil?” he said.
“No, I think I’m having a seizure — I have to leave.”
Tech
Tech is the number one topic on Medium with over eight billion articles written on it per day.
I once wrote a tech story and got the facts wrong. This is why you shouldn’t write about it. You’ll get it wrong and look like an idiot.
Secondly, so much has already been written on it that when people see the word TECH, their minds glaze over and see the words DEATHLY BOREDOM instead.
Gardening
I’m a gardener, and yet whenever I write about home-grown potatoes, no one wants to know.
Why would they?
“I live in the desert,” they say. “The nearest greenery is 8000 miles away in Canada. If I want a potato, I go to Walmart.”
Gardening is a noble cause, but no one wants to hear about it. Just like no one wants to hear about Tupperware or ways to store slices of ham.
Health
Is writing and reading about it going to make you better? I doubt it. All it’ll do is make you even more anxious than you were.
I once read an article about ham and how bad it was for you. Then my wife said, “Lunch is ready - ham sandwiches.”
I refused to eat them, and we almost got a divorce. Do you know how much that would have cost me? What do you think hard-boiled (ham) lawyers would make of a husband refusing lunch?
They would label it as negligence and deceit, and I might spend 10 years in a federal penitentiary for going bankrupt after the divorce. And who wants that on their resume?
So here’s a word of advice: don’t write or read about health.
Food
I once wrote a piece called The Best Way to Chill Sliced Ham. The top comment out of two was:
“I Use a Fridge, Jerk!”
The other comment was:
“Get a Life! Jerk!”
Avoid this topic if you don’t want to be laughed at.
Relationships
I was once asked to write about relationships but couldn’t think of anything to write about.
The editor said: “But haven’t you had relationships?”
Of course. Loads. But what’s there to say. We got together then broke up. Press REPEAT.
“That’s a cold way of looking at it,” she said.
I told her I once wrote a piece on cold storage methods for sliced ham. She asked someone else.
Fashion
By the time you’ve written about fashion, it’s out of date. By the time your piece is published, everyone is wearing something completely different.
My father used to work in the fashion industry, albeit as a factory worker, and he said the company plan their collections years in advance. The summer of 2026 has already been designed, for example.
I found this incredible. “But how do they know what the weather will be like?” I asked my father. “If it’s raining, do they wear a jacket?”
He said he would ask his boss, but got fired for asking difficult questions!
Found this boring. How about some more garbage from me here.
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I suggest writing about worms eating poop. Or people eating worm poop. These may sound boring on the surface...
Your enKounter with Mario Kart reminds me of a story I read about a theme park attraction that simulates being inside a video game. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?