Woman Eats Own Liver on Transatlantic Flight in Protest Against Lack of Decent Meal Options
“There was nothing else I could eat,” she claimed
A woman on a flight from London to LA ate her liver mid-flight last Thursday. Unimpressed with her egg-free omelette, she took matters into her own hands.
Using the plastic knife provided with her bread roll, she skilfully performed a hepatectomy to remove part of her liver. Then settled down to munch on it with a bottle of Arctic seawater she had smuggled onboard.
When asked why she had done it, she said that while she regrets losing part of her anatomy, she did it to highlight the chronic lack of meal options on offer to such fussy, middle-class travellers such as herself.
While the airline laughed it off as a freak accident, this horrific incident highlights the worrying trend of in-flight food rage.
One air stewardess, who refuses to be named for fear of being hacked to death by a set of Sabatier knives by resentful foodies, said one passenger confronted her when he found an olive in his vegan Caesar salad.
“I’m olive intolerant,” he roared, waving a plastic fork in her face. “You could have killed me.”
Another incident, involving a 34-year-old male wearing thick-rimmed oval glasses, hit the headlines when his lo-fat, decaf latte was served in a porcelain cup, instead of a recycled-vegetable-matter container.
The hipster exploded into a rage, questioning the airline’s environmental policies and how they were meant to recycle a porcelain mug.
When the air steward pointed out that “We just wash it,” the man threatened him with a plastic teaspoon.
Needless to say, he was promptly arrested on landing. But not before he tried to escape by leaving a trail of beard oil for the Marshals to slip on.
Luckily for them, they resorted to the method of least resistance and simply shot him as he ran across the runway carrying his Gucci man-bag.
An airline spokeswoman, Donna Green-Peace, said that while they try to serve a wide variety of options, they can’t serve oat milk and Golgi berries with everything.
She went on to say that if people aren’t entirely satisfied, they are advised to bring their own vegan energy bars. Or failing that, take alternative modes of transport, like walking.
The bourgeois, middle-class food association, FAST, said on its X account that Ms Green-Peace’s comments were not helpful. Especially as many energy bars can’t get through security as they are mistaken for small bags of heroin.
Air industry insiders are worried that in-flight food rage may escalate and may even result in hipsters violently diverting planes to the nearest Farmers Market.
Measures to prevent such an outrage are currently being discussed. One such idea is to program security scanners to automatically search for evidence of nuts and dried fruit in people’s baggage.
While suspects will not be denied access to airplanes, cabin crew will have the power to sedate troublemakers with powerful tranquillisers the moment they ask for a chia seed salad.
It’s hoped these measures will stop these outbursts and allow everyone to sit back and enjoy the flight. Just like in the old days, when you could sit back with a gin and tonic, a cigarette, and enjoy whatever food was put in front of you.
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Those folks wouldn't be satisfied with the coffee, Coke, pretzels and cookies served on Canadian airlines, clearly (or at least WestJet, which is usually what I end up on for flights).
At least it was her liver and not one of her fellow passengers!