Why Are Substack Videos So Boring
How to make your live video less dull
You may have seen them. One or two people on a live Substack feed chatting about nothing in particular.
Sounds fun?
It isn’t.
I’ve watched a few recently, and I was disappointed.
Monty Python's Life of Brian — a classic movie — is 94 minutes long. One live video I watched a few days ago was 95 minutes. Twenty minutes of that was taken up by long-winded introductions or waiting for others to join the discussion.
I mean, come on!
Why would I want to spend 1/10 of my waking day watching a video of two guys holding cell phones in front of their faces talking about the weather? (One of their topics.)
I’m no expert on broadcasting. But here’s the thing: I’ve watched TV. I get it. And there’s a reason these chats wouldn’t appear on TV.
Because they are boring. I can’t put it any simpler than that.
So below is a list of how to make them less so.
Brevity
One of my favourite YouTubers (in fact, my only one) is Rick Beato. He talks about music and songwriting.
He’s good. Very good. So good that the likes of David Gilmour, Brian May, Robby Krieger, Rick Wakeman, plus countless others, have been interviewed by him.
But here’s the thing, every interview is no longer than an hour.
Top tip: Keep it short — whatever you’ve got to say, you can say it in half an hour.
Don’t Talk About The Weather
In fact, don’t talk about anything not related to the subject.
It might feel quirky to go off tangent or show folk around your house (I’ll speak about that later), but no one is interested.
People are time-sensitive. Even if people have nothing to do, they don’t want to be kept waiting.
They don’t want to feel they are wasting their time when there could be roses that need deadheading in the garden (if they have one).
Have a Subject
For me, there is nothing worse than listening to someone say, “So what are we going to talk about today?”
I don’t know — it’s your show!
Then listen to them fumble around thinking of more and more obscure topics to discuss with their co-host, who is equally clueless.
This does not make for good TV.
Derek and Clive (Dudley Moore and Peter Cook) could ad-lib and make it funny. But they were comic geniuses. With all due respect, you’re probably not.
Don’t Introduce a Pet
This really grinds my gears. Watching a live chat with one or more of the participants, stroking a dog or a cat, or even a rabbit.
Have I tuned into the Pet Channel as well as the Weather Channel?
There’s nothing more off-putting than watching someone stroke an animal while attempting to talk about something serious.
Do you see serious journalists interviewing serious politicians (if there are any) clutching a three-year-old tabby? You might on a James Bond set. But not on a Substack video.
Drop the animals (carefully).
Use a Bland and Inconspicuous Background
Pretend you’re in prison. Pretend you’re NOT in a luxurious house with a wide, expansive garden to show to all your subscribers.
Who wants that when they live in a freezing cold garret trying to eek out a living as a writer. That’s going to really destroy your day when there’s someone you admire showing off their massive house in Sioux Falls.
Don’t Wait For People to Join
No one cares who’s joining.
If you’re waiting for some very important writer who said they will stop by, leave it. They’ve probably got better things to do.
Don’t Answer Questions Until The End
What really irritates me is when the participants start mentioning questions asked by the viewers halfway through a discussion.
Leave them until the end.
Set aside ten minutes to run through them. Or take the questions and use them as a topic for next week's show. That way, you might have something to talk about.
Please Don’t Do it With a Cold
Nothing is more off-putting than listening to someone talk for an hour (or 95 minutes) with a wretched cold.
I used to visit my grandfather when I was a kid. He always had a permanent cold as where he lived was damp (no luxurious house for him).
Sometimes when I listen to people battle through these video feeds with a cold, it reminds me of visiting my grandfather.
Vertical Videos
Why do people take a video with their camera vertically? So it looks like this.
When if they turn their camera round 90 degrees, it would look like this. Like a normal TV.
People argue, it’s because a lot of people watch on their phones. But that’s not true. It looks better horizontal, even on a phone. So I can’t understand why 80% of Substack videos are like this.
Don’t do it.
Sign Off Quickly
I hate long goodbyes.
Whenever I’m with family or friends, I always like to get the goodbyes done quickly.
Drawn-out Au Revoirs are painful. Especially when you start repeating all the things you discussed over dinner as you all stand by the door getting cold.
Make it quick. Say goodbye. Shut it down.
Bye.
This is my first post on 21st Century Comedy, so don’t bother clicking through to the site as there’s nothing there yet except this one.
I hate vertical videos. They almost make me want to throw my phone.
I’m not watching this.