Starbucks Buys Medium and Turns It Into a Steak House
How do you like your steak cooked — Medium?
Frappuccino giant Starbucks recently exchanged 1000 tonnes of half-drunk coffee for the remaining Medium shares that went on sale last week.
The total brings Starbucks’ share of the writing platform up to 80%, meaning it can legally ban all Medium writers from its establishments, without nominating someone to boost them out into the street.
The plan was immediately condemned by the writing community. Many writers complained that their oat milk cappuccinos were whisked away from under their noses and poured into a waste chute entitled:
DEAD WRITERS DREAMS
There was more outrage when Starbucks’ Head of Branding, Edward Markup, confirmed that Medium was being changed from a writing platform to a steak house.
Medium.com would no longer be selling Listicles, How-tos, and Slapstick Comedy, but BBQ-grilled steaks, all cooked to medium.
With recent surveys suggesting 95% of global steak-eaters prefer their steaks medium cooked, corporate bosses started looking around for established companies with the words Medium already in them.
Unfortunately, no one had heard of Medium. Until Starbucks CEO, Michael Latte, stumbled on his 12-year-old niece’s experimental Haikus.
That was all he needed. Corporate daggers were sharpened and plunged into the heart of experimental Haiku writers everywhere.
Starbucks immediately bought up the majority of Medium shares with waste coffee and started rebranding Medium as the steak house of the future. Never again be served an underdone or overcooked steak.
From now on, every steak will be Medium.
Therefore, from 1 June, all writers’ profile pages will be replaced with the new Medium logo and all your precious work (Haikus and all) replaced by a pseudo-gourmet menu.
Simply click on your favourite steak option, and your order will be submitted via one of those old publications you used to write for. Forty-eight hours later, an Uber Eats tricycle will appear with your perfectly cooked Medium steak.
Once you’ve eaten it with a strong beer, you’ll be able to leave comments on how good it was. And enter into mindless debate with other Medium and Substack users. Just like you do now.
(*Obviously, this piece was originally published on Medium — it’s called recycling/laziness)
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