Seven Things to Do With Your Smartphone When the Lights Go Out

Entertainment has never been so primitive

Ever wondered how you would cope if the lights went out? If the internet was turned off and the electricity grids shut down.

Can you contemplate that outcome?

Have you backed up (or deleted) all those WhatsApp messages and photos? Have you? Or does Google Drive keep telling you your storage is full?

Either way, when Armageddon strikes and the internet shuts down, entertainment and survival through your smartphone is still a possibility.

Here are seven failsafe and amusing uses for your smartphone when the grid shuts down and you’re left staring into a candle.

Remember, your smartphone might be dead, but your imagination is still on charge.

Communication

One of the main selling points of the smartphone has been ease of communication. Without power or internet, this straitjackets it a bit. But all is not lost.

The surface of a phone acts as a mirror, which you can use to reflect the sun’s rays (if you have any) to your neighbours. One flash could mean yes, two flashes, no.

Communication might be limited. But then again, WhatsApp messages are hardly that interesting, so this may be the start of meaningful conversation.

Cooking

Smartphones have been known to generate enough heat to cook a can of beans or stew.

Mountaineers and explorers have been known to use their smartphones to cook with. They achieved this by playing Tetris on speed mode for half an hour to generate enough heat to warm up a can of beans or stew.

Unfortunately, when the power is gone, this isn’t an option. But all is not lost. A few days ago, I accidentally left my smartphone in the sun.

When I came to pick it up, I received third-degree burns and had to be carted off to the hospital.

True story (sort of).

Personal Hygiene

Hygiene is a problem in the tech age when the power goes off. You can’t see for one. Ever tried cutting your toenails in the dark?

Without power, beauty products can’t be made, so we have to make them ourselves.

You can wash with tree bark and use algae as soap. But how about a shave?

Prehistoric man didn’t worry about shaving, as they didn’t have Gillette adverts. So they didn’t get conned into buying ludicrously expensive five-blade razors that go blunt after one use.

So they just let it go.

But I hate the itching. I like to shave once a week, which is why you can use a shard of a smashed smartphone screen for shaving.

Weaponise Your Smartphone

Ever hit anyone with your phone? Ever attacked them with a shard of smartphone screen glass?

My current phone is heavy. Much heavier than my Nokia 60, which I used to have in the 90s.

My neighbour once broke his knuckles when he threw a punch towards the pocket of my jacket that had my phone in it.

So I think my current one could knock out a few attackers should they ever come my way in the prehistoric post-internet age.

Play Ping Pong

Once in a hostel near the Spanish border, there was a ping-pong table.

After offering one of my bunkmates to a game, we realised there was only one bat and one ball.

No worries, the Spanish guy said, I’ve done this before. “Usamos los móviles como raquetas.” But we both have to do it, he insisted, otherwise it’s not fair.

And it works.

The military grade (or so they say) plastic screen acts as a perfect flat surface with a slight bit of give in it. Even a hard thwack doesn’t break the screen.

So during those long days after Armageddon, when there’s absolutely nothing to do, and you’ve only got one ping pong bat, you know what to do.

(Note: You can also play a mini version of cricket with a phone as well.)

Make a Bulletproof Vest

When the world is overrun by bandits and there’s a whole heap of smartphones lying around, try sewing military grade smartphones into the Ralph Lauren Polo shirts you’ve stolen?

Equipped with a polo mallet, you’ll be as invincible as The Terminator.

Those terrifying machines operated by the tech bros that scour the earth looking for the few remaining smartphones on earth that still have battery life.

Pretend It’s a Real Phone

Do you remember those times when you suddenly need to look like you’re on the phone, either to avoid someone in the street? Or to simply look cool?

Well, now you can do it whenever you want and no one will care. It’ll be like a Wind Phone. Therapy at your fingertips.

Say whatever you want, and no one will accuse you of having no friends.

Until someone discovers how to turn the power back on, and we’re all plunged back into reality.

Ugh!

---

---

NOTE: This has never been published anywhere else. It’s not even been recycled from Medium. For more dumb comedy, click here

---

All my posts are free. But if you want to support me, there’s an option of $1 - $5 a month! If not, forget about it.