Please Stay on the Wrong Side of the Road

Why do dumb Brits drive on the left?

I live in France, where we drive on the same side as Americans, and pretty much 70% of the world.

The other 30% drive on the wrong side of the road — the LEFT. This is where I’m from. Left-handed Britain.

Luckily, I’ve been driving in France for so long now that I don’t have a problem.

Or so I thought.

The other day, half the road was blocked by some works, so I had to wait at traffic signals before going over to the LEFT, passing the works, then back to the RIGHT to continue my journey.

Normal stuff. Happens all the time. Except that day, I lost my mind.

When I got to the end of the works, and as both lanes were completely clear of traffic, I simply carried on. Driving on the LEFT like I was back in England.

Everybody must have seen the classic clip from Planes, Trains and Automobiles where goofballs Steve Martin and John Candy end up “On the wrong side of the road.”

In the end, they narrowly avoid a head-on collision with two trucks. With John Candy’s immortal line

“WOW, I mean, that was close!”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have another driver telling me I was going the wrong way. It was only when I saw another car speeding towards me that I thought, something’s not quite right here.

Am I in England?

NO, I’m in France.

SHIT!

Luckily, the road was single-laned and didn’t have a barrier, so I swerved over, then gestured angrily at the car coming the other way as though it was his fault.

“Are you drunk?” I screamed.

It took me a few minutes to comprehend what I’d done. Then I started wondering, why DO we drive on the left anyway?

A History Lesson

I assumed it was down to British stubbornness. They just wanted to be different to the rest of the world. But — believe it or not — there is actually some logic to it.

Before cars, we rode horses. And before guns, we had swords.

This meant we rode on the left, so riders had their right hand free if they needed to defend themselves.

Think of the medieval joust.

If you’ve ever seen a re-enactment (go to England in the summer, there are millions of them), they always joust riding on the left, never the right.

Before about 1700, everyone drove on the left.

It was only when carts started being drawn by four or six horses that they required the driver to sit on the rear left-hand horse to control the others, as most people were right-handed, and so used their stronger arm to whip the horses.

In addition, in order to see the oncoming vehicles better, the driver kept to the right-hand side of the road.

So most countries changed.

Except Britain and its colonies, which refused to change.

But how about Japan, Indonesia and Thailand — they weren’t British?

Indonesia was under Dutch rule, which also drove on the left until 1930. Japan and Thailand both hired British engineers to build railways, which were built to be driven on the left. When cars came along, they didn’t change.

Fewer Accidents?

It may be British stubbornness. But there’s a good reason for it. According to studies, it’s safer to drive a right-hand drive car.

We use our STRONG RIGHT arm to steer the vehicle, leaving our WEAK LEFT arm to change gears — if you have gears. You’re more in control of your vehicle.

So next time you drive in the UK and wonder why these dumb Brits drive on the bloody left, think of what I’ve said above. It might even save your life.

And if you forget which side you’re meant to be driving on, just pretend you’re at a medieval joust!

Good luck!

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For more left-handed comedy, check out 21st Century Comedy here.

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