How Not to Do a Substack Video
Lessons in broadcasting
Today, I’ll be doing my first Substack Video with Internet Outlaw Peter William Murphy.
I’ve never spoken to him, and apart from a few chat messages, I don’t know him. He could be anyone.
But that doesn’t matter. Regardless of the person or situation, some rules must be followed when engaging in these often pointless media interactions.
Lighting
Ever spoken to someone in the dark? It’s unnerving, right? Feels like they could lash out at any time and rip you to pieces.
That’s what it feels like when I watch internet videos with bad lighting. Like walking in a dark wood at night.
Below is my passport photo in very low lighting — almost dark. Imagine if you were speaking to me.
That would make you nervous. Feels like I could jump out of the dark and into your room at any time.
Chilling.
Water Bottles
What is it with water bottles? They just keep getting larger and larger.
These days, it’s not uncommon to see people drinking water from canisters as big as oil drums.
Like this one.
I’ve seen people on Substack drink out of these as though they forgot to hook up to their drip that morning and are trying to force as much liquid into their bodies as possible.
Don’t do it.
Use a glass.
Pets
I’ve mentioned this before in a previous post called: Why Are Substack Videos So Boring (yeah, I have a thing about this).
But why do people bring pets into the mix?
Am I interviewing them?
Have they got something to say? Do they have an opinion on Gaza, Trump, Leeds Utd?
As far as I’m aware — and I have a small tabby — animals can’t talk.
I said to Pookie (my cat) Do you want to do a live interview today on Substack. She yawned and went back to sleep.
Point taken.
Avoid Boring Introductions
Let’s face it. No one really cares who you are.
Get to the point.
Name, Age, Height, Weight, Occupation.
Then get into the meat of the conversation before someone starts talking about the weather or some bland TV show they watched last night.
Have a Subject
Nothing grinds my gears more than random chit-chat.
When I used to go home to my family, I had to wear industrial earplugs to block out the sound of endless small talk.
Meal times were agony, and I sometimes had to feign illness to excuse myself from the monotonous talk of nothing in particular.
Don’t fall into this trap of mediocrity.
Speak Quickly
I don’t mean like you’ve just mainlined amphetamine. Just speak at the speed you do when you speak to your parents (after the small talk).
Slightly nervous and on edge, but relaxed, knowing mum and dad aren’t going to fire you, dump you or kill you. You hope.
Speak at a pace at which the audience (if you have one) doesn’t feel the need to grab a pillow.
Keep the flow, or lose the audience.
Don’t Move
I admit it. I’m a fidgeter.
If you’ve ever been to the cinema with me (which you won’t have), you’d wish you hadn’t.
From the minute I sit down to the closing credits, I’m forever rearranging my legs and feet like they were screwed on the wrong way.
Saying this, it’s highly frustrating to see a video where all the participants are moving and shifting around like they are sitting on pins.
Keep still!
Don’t Sit Back From the Screen
I’ve seen videos where the person is sitting halfway across the other side of their house.
Why is this?
Are you thinking of making an escape. Are you hiding? Sit close to the screen, for God's sake. So we can see. Otherwise, people might mistake you for a painting on the wall.
Sit close. But not too close. We don’t want to see you in too much detail. Substack wasn’t designed for models.
For Fuck's Sake — Keep it Short
An hour is too long.
An hour and a half is a life sentence.
Watch any chat show on TV, and they are a maximum of an hour, interspersed with commercials, music, and chat with very famous people.
Your hour-long Substack video isn’t this.
It’s probably set in a dark room, with people sitting too far back, fidgeting, drinking out of giant water bottles, with cats on their laps, coughing, speaking too quickly, and generally making no sense.
I’ll be live today with Pete William Murphy on Substack at 9.45 am ET (That’s 3.45 pm French TIME, or 4.45 pm Turkey TIME — where we are based), making all these mistakes. Click here to watch.
For more comedy, check out 21st Century Comedy here.
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Great tips! However, making a video is far from my planning 😁
My brain doesn't register anything after 30 seconds. But I managed to watch your video.
While drinking water.