Become a Worse Writer

Embrace mediocrity

Saint Paul becoming a worse writer (Wiki Comms)

There must be over a hundred books on becoming a better writer.

I’ve written two.

Become a Better Writer I and II were both bestsellers. I wanted to write a third, but when I approached my publisher, they claimed the market was saturated.

This is a lie.

While there are writers, there’s a market for books on writing. Just like while there’s food, there are books on dieting.

After all, don’t we all want to become a better writer? Who wants to become a worse writer?

Mm. That got me thinking.

Memo to publisher.

RE: New idea for a book on writing. Possible series of three. Working title:

Would you buy it?

I would.

The guy’s clearly got a sense of humour, and it might be more interesting than the usual tips on how to make my writing more engaging.

Boring stuff like

• Think of your audience

• Use bullet points

• Don’t write long sentences

• Write what you know

• Run it through AI if you’ve got no ideas.

Maybe an anti-writing book entitled Write Your Worst would shake up all those carefully crafted rules of engagement.

Instead of trying to please your audience, yourself, your parents, your friends, your followers. You’re allowed to have some fun for once.

Fun: The process of enjoying yourself.

I see the new book focussing on key areas such as

• Don’t use bullet points

• Forget punctuation, grammar, syntax, and spelling.

• Write drunk, edit drunk

• Don’t check facts

• Don’t edit

• Don’t read it through when you’ve finished

• Write in ink or pencil on a cigarette packet (if you don’t smoke, look in the trash cans)

Write the garbage you used to write when you were young. Let your mind wander free over the page like you haven’t slept for a week.

Forget what all the gurus say like write in a calm place.

Write in a bar, write in the car, write on the walls. Get it down on a beer-soaked bar mat and put it away in your locker or drawer.

Then in five years' time, get it out, and you’ll think: Wow! This is really good. I should publish this.

Become a Worse Writer by Philip Ogley is out in the autumn. Pre-order it now!

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