Artisanal, Curated, Signature…and Seriously Overpriced
Why restaurant menus try too hard
I was in a pub in Dorset in the UK a few weeks ago. I’m not from there, but I was visiting a friend.
If you’re into novelist Thomas Hardy, Dorset is Hardy country, famed for its beautiful towns and villages, and gentle rolling countryside. Archetypal England. Archetypally expensive.
It’s pricey here and hosts some of the most expensive real estate in the country. The pub I was in was called The Clipper, which at one time was frequented by fishermen after a night at sea. Now it’s populated by wealthy holidaymakers and second-home owners who pay 30 quid for a platter of seafood and a basket of chips.
In the old days, this was called Fish ‘n’ Chips.
Times change. And so do the prices. Luckily, I wasn’t paying. I was with an old friend who had more cash than me, and so had taken me out to lunch.
I had the fish and chips (seafood platter) with a nice bottle of Chablis (£29), followed by a curated selection of local artisanal cheeses. My friend had the Chef’s Signature truffle risotto (rice and mushrooms) at £35 with a bottle of Perrier (£9). He was on a strict diet due to a heart problem.
When dining, I have a particular aversion to three English words.
They are:
Curated.
Artisanal.
Signature.
Another word that bothers me, but didn’t see this time — perhaps I didn’t look hard enough at the menu — is Deconstructed.
Heard of this?
This is where the chef takes apart a dish — say a cheese sandwich — and serves them separately. So you get cheese, pickle, butter, and a piece of bread on a plate. Often referred to as a Ploughman's!
Other menu words that bother me are pan-fried (deep-fried). Local (bought within a radius of 200 miles). And seasonal (grown in Spain).
You might think I’m being petty and silly. Not all restaurants are like this.
Oh, really?
When I asked the kid waiter what my curated selection of local artisanal cheeses (£18) was, he looked at me blankly and said he thought they might be Cheddar, Wensleydale, and Stilton. But he wasn’t sure.
He wasn’t sure!
But I thought this was curated: Hand-picked and specially selected from a variety of local cheeses.
Instead, he wasn’t even sure if he was giving me Cheddar, Wensleydale, or Stilton. Three of the most popular cheeses in the UK. Two of which originate from places over 200 miles away. Local indeed!
Of course, it wasn’t the kid’s fault. He was just another kid being paid a crappy wage to serve fairly crappy food (it wasn’t great) in a spacious and uninviting room. Luckily, I wasn’t paying. Although the wine was good.
I don’t know about you, but restaurants these days are pretty lousy. When I do eat out (which is rare and only when someone else is paying), I like to find somewhere shabby where there’s like one or two meals on the menu. Preferably a curry or stew served with salad or rice. Simple home-cooked food. NOT a signature dish or deconstructed cheese sandwich.
I do not need my food curated. If I want something curated, I’ll go to a museum. If I want something artisanal, I’ll find myself a decent bakery. If I want a signature, I’ll go to a lawyer to draw up my will. If I want something pan-fried, I’ll cook a pancake!
Foodies might disagree.
My article on Medium, Why I Hate Eating Out! got hammered. People accused me of debasing the whole restaurant experience.
Wow! Tough words.
But here’s the thing. It’s not me who debases the restaurant experience; it’s chefs and owners who are incapable of innovation. Clambering on the bandwagon of culinary buzzwords in the hope they might get their mediocre food on Instagram. Food that looks and tastes like everybody else’s.
I mean, come on, even McDonald's has got a signature dish.
It’s called a Big Mac.
Duh!
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