40,000 Jobs You’ll Never Have
What happened to all the real jobs?
When I was growing up, job options were limited. You could be a train driver, a truck driver, or a builder.
That’s what I was led to believe from the collection of cars, trains, and Lego bricks I had. One of my friends had a model jet plane and wanted to be a pilot.
I didn’t have that luxury. Toys in our house were limited, and so were the jobs. One day my mum bought me a dollhouse and I wanted to be a girl.
Not really.
It was for my sister, but she always seemed to get a better deal than the crappy model cars I got. So when I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she told me she wanted to be a real estate agent.
According to the recruitment agency Indeed, there are over 40,000 job titles worldwide. I started writing them down one day, starting at A, and got as far as Accordion Maker.
My brother works with underground pipes. He’s a ‘Geo-something-or-other’. His wife’s a Colour Specialist. She goes around people’s homes to advise them of colour schemes. Even though she’s colour-blind.
Great job if you can get it. But what happened to the simple jobs like Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor, Rich Man, Poor Man, Beggar Man, Thief?
Or do all jobs need a fancy title these days? A security guard is no longer some guy who sits in a dusty cabin smoking cigarettes all night.
Now, he or she is a Secured Space Specialist.
Like a chef is a Culinary Artist. And the dude who knocks down the wrong wall in your house is an Artisan.
When I was at school, we had a Careers Hut. Inside were a random assortment of leaflets informing us about jobs.
It seemed straightforward: The clever kids went on to be lawyers, doctors, and CEOs. The rest of us picked up the slack. The really dumb kids became teachers.
When I told the career’s master I wanted to be an actor, he gave me The Complete Works of Shakespeare. Thirty years later, I’m still on Hamlet.
I’ve always hated job hunting, which is why I’ve ended up doing one of the most traditional jobs there is.
I’m a Groundsman.
When I got the job, I thought it was more of an estate management role, where I would oversee budgets and make real decisions about the 24-hectare estate I work on.
But I soon realised that side of the job had been turned over to an agency of Land Consultants, who looked after the estate via Google Earth from an office in Denver. And who sent an army of men from Paris whenever a tree needed cutting down.
When I told my boss I could have cut the tree down for free, his brain exploded.
Most jobs aren’t necessary. When you go to work tomorrow, ask yourself an honest question: What am I actually doing?
The results may stagger you.
I mow the grass and keep the grounds tidy, but in short, I’m a servant. When I think of that Careers Hut at school, they should have had a gigantic sign on the wall saying:
Servants Required (apply below)
That would have been so much easier. Whenever my parents asked me, “Have you decided what you want to do yet?”
I could have answered. “I’m going to be a servant.”
I don’t envy young people today. The choice is staggering. I asked my 14-year-old nephew once what he wanted to do.
He looked at me blankly as though I had asked him the origins of time. So I asked him what he enjoyed doing.
He said nothing. Then he asked me what I did. Was it like what his dad did — a Geo-something-or-other?
I said no. “I’m a groundsman.”
He looked at me blankly. “What’s that?” he asked.
“I mow lawns.”
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I think I’d make a good thief. Maybe I should start with subscribers.
I never enjoyed searching for jobs either....The whole process is stressful!